btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
