So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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