I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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