i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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