She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
