i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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