i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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