it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
