You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
