drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
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