In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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