Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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