A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
