I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
