I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize