I accidentally had phone sex last night
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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