I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Can I color on your dick again?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
