I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
