Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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