I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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