I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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