I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You're like the curious george of whores
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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