I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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