Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
