I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
you inspire me to be a worse person
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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