So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
