a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
