he puts the penis in happiness.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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