I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
