why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
