why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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