shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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