You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
