I am spending my child support on dildos
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
