im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
