If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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