Just fell off a train. Bad.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
