I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
