i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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