I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
