My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
