I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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