She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
