I'm gonna have a badass scar
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
