While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
