I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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