No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
