"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
