can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
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