i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
