The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
