i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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