No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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