Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
