i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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