We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
