He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
