I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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