I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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