So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Randomize
