If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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