closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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