I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
