Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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