Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize