you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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