Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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